For anyone looking into my life from the outside, it might seem really nice. Quiet, simple, cozy, happy. Yes, it is all of those things, but only because I work so hard to keep everything quiet, simple, cozy, and happy. I strive to make my home a sanctuary for me and my husband, a place to keep the crazy world out and where love can grow and dreams can be nurtured.
It's hard to keep it that way, though. My family seems to always be striving to create stress and drama and drag it into my life. I have a psychic vampire sister, a drama queen oldest niece, a negative gossip mother, a narcissistic father, and a bad apple younger niece who has lately driven the drama and stress to whole new heights.
Maybe this is why I'm so anti-social. The people closest to me are torturing me with their stressful lives. Today, I've been worse than I have been in a while, and I want to swear off people altogether, especially my family, and drive deep into the woods and stay there forever. Since I can't actually do that, I find myself instead fantasizing about locking myself in my room with a big batch of cookies.
Stressful times are when I find it hardest to resist the urge to eat bad foods. I need something, anything, to dull the ache in my heart and quiet the noise in my head, and food has always been how I've dealt with it. I just want it all to go away.
I'm so so sorry that you have a toxic family, Julie. I have been there. I know the pain it causes. It got so bad, that at one point a therapist asked me 'Gwen, how long are you going to beat your head against the wall that is your parents?' She convinced me that, in essence, I needed to divorce my parents. For a while, at least. And I did. It wasn't easy, it had some ramifications, but I think in the long run, it made them (FINALLY) appreciate me ....and eventually mom has become a dear friend. (dad has passed.) You might want to consider some counselling on how to deal with toxic family members, but I do suggest retreating from them for a while, either passively just turning down get togethers, or more assertively if you can. (otherwise, they'll never 'get' why you are doing it.)
ReplyDeleteJust from my own experiences, of course.
Sorry sweetie. It sucks. Try and put on some nice mood music, work-out, light a candle and read a good book...find non-food ways to soothe yourself.
I'm with Gwen... retreat. Don't enter into the conversations or bite back when taunted. I've been there too with my family. There is always someone in my family causing trouble and for five years I pulled back from the worst offender. I'm "in favour" now but it is always tense.
ReplyDeleteYou and your husband and all that matters in this. I'm sad your family is this way but please learn to ignore that which you can.
One thing you cannot be is all things to all people.
ReplyDeleteWhen I began to work out who I am and what I want from life I began to be able to love the crazy people and let them choose their own ways. It's not always comfortable but it left space for us to continue to stay in touch and at the same time gave me confidence to withdraw when I'd had enough and needed breathing space.
It always amazes me when I discover that someone who appears to have it all together is facing difficult situations. Truth be told there is no such thing as a perfect family. Some people are just better at covering up. I was fortunate in having friends who were older and wiser and who taught me how to live when the world seemed chaotic.
If nothing else, difficult people and situations make us a stronger person. I thought we were a typical middle-class, affluent and educated family until I was in my 30s. I became a committed Christian and unbelievable stuff keeps coming out of the woodwork. My battle with shame and guilt began and gone is my pride in being perfect.
Focus on your own family and how You want to live. Make sure that all the crazy stuff does not filter in and derail you. Deal with any pain and heartbreak as best you can. Journalling helps a lot.
Blessings