I've been meaning to write a new blog post recently, but I've just been too sad to. I've been too sad to do much of anything, to be honest. I feel so hollow inside, and most everything seems pointless when those feelings take over.
You see, it was one year ago that Chad and I started trying for a baby. We did technically take one month off in December; we decided another September baby in the family would be a bad idea. Still, being back in the month of May without a baby in my arms or my belly makes me very sad, and I can't help feeling like I've messed up.
We seriously changed our diets about the end of September or the beginning of October. Before then, we were still eating wheat, legumes, potatoes, soy, seitan, with the once a week sugar splurge. We're not perfect now, but our diets are certainly much more natural. I thought it would only take a couple of months of eating this way to help us conceive. That's what I'd read, anyway.
But it's been six or seven months, and we're still babyless. It almost makes we want to give up trying to eat healthy natural foods completely and just go back to the junk I grew up on. Comforting junk. What's the point, after all, if it doesn't help me get what I want the most?
Sigh. But I guess I need to be patient. I malnourished my body for 14 years as a vegetarian, and for a year and a half or two years, I was a low-calorie dieting vegetarian, which I bet was even more stressful for my body. My body probably just needs time to fully heal. And maybe Chad's does too. My cycles have been changing since I started eating better. Last month was the very first month of testing that I managed to get a true positive on an ovulation test. Before, I would just get a near positive. Actually, when I first started testing, I would only get a line that was half as dark as the control line. And in case you didn't know, to be a true positive, the test line has to be as dark or darker than the control line.
I've been improving in other ways, too, but I won't go into those. Most people don't appreciate the details of a woman's cycle.
It's just so hard to stay positive after a year of waiting.