Would you believe, at 28, I'm going to be a great-aunt soon? Yeah, me either. It came about through no fault of my own. I didn't mean to be an aunt, let alone a great-aunt. I didn't think I'd be a great anything for several years. But here I am, about to be the third oldest generation in my family.
My niece is 19. She was born when I was the sweet and innocent age of 9, so of course I immediately hated her for stealing my place in the family as the baby. When she turned 10 or so, she and I actually started to get along. Pretty soon, I actually enjoyed her company and brought out in her the nice, sweet side that no one else got to see.
When she got pregnant last winter, I was very disappointed. She's not married to the father, and I'm not sure if she has any plans to be. I guess I always thought she had so much potential, and knew that if she applied herself, she could do great things with her life. But to see her go down the same path that her mom went down, that my mom went down, that all the other women in her life went down (except me), it saddens me. Strapped with a baby, poor, in a bad relationship, with no ambition.
I guess that's why she and I haven't talked at all since I found out she was having a baby. Actually, there's another secret reason I haven't talked to her, and this really makes me feel ashamed. I'm really mad at her for getting pregnant before me. Here I am trying everything I can to have a baby, and she has one without even trying.
I'm trying really hard to let these feelings of disappointment go. I'm not a strongly religious person, but I am very spiritual, and I believe that God brings us to certain hard situations in life to teach us to be better people, and I'm certain this is one of those times. So to kind of break the ice, I decided to make my niece and her baby some things, including a receiving blanket and this cute little bear.
When I showed it to Chad, he asked, "Making it for Baby D?" which is what we've been calling our future baby. I said, "No, but I wish I was." And that got me to thinking... It's been really hard to keep my faith that we'll get pregnant as the months go by. For the last 5 months or so, I've even been thinking in my head that it's just never going to happen. I want to stay positive, but it feels so forced when I do and it ends up making me feel even sadder when I don't get pregnant that month.
But I wonder if making things for Baby D is a gentler way for me to keep my faith. I love to craft, after all, and crafting things for our baby might instill a seed of belief in my heart that we will have a baby someday. I guess I'll try it and see how it goes.