Friday, August 2, 2013

Keeping the Faith

Would you believe, at 28, I'm going to be a great-aunt soon?  Yeah, me either.  It came about through no fault of my own.  I didn't mean to be an aunt, let alone a great-aunt.  I didn't think I'd be a great anything for several years.  But here I am, about to be the third oldest generation in my family.

My niece is 19.  She was born when I was the sweet and innocent age of 9, so of course I immediately hated her for stealing my place in the family as the baby.  When she turned 10 or so, she and I actually started to get along.  Pretty soon, I actually enjoyed her company and brought out in her the nice, sweet side that no one else got to see.

When she got pregnant last winter, I was very disappointed.  She's not married to the father, and I'm not sure if she has any plans to be.  I guess I always thought she had so much potential, and knew that if she applied herself, she could do great things with her life.  But to see her go down the same path that her mom went down, that my mom went down, that all the other women in her life went down (except me), it saddens me.  Strapped with a baby, poor, in a bad relationship, with no ambition.

I guess that's why she and I haven't talked at all since I found out she was having a baby.  Actually, there's another secret reason I haven't talked to her, and this really makes me feel ashamed.  I'm really mad at her for getting pregnant before me.  Here I am trying everything I can to have a baby, and she has one without even trying. 

I'm trying really hard to let these feelings of disappointment go.  I'm not a strongly religious person, but I am very spiritual, and I believe that God brings us to certain hard situations in life to teach us to be better people, and I'm certain this is one of those times.  So to kind of break the ice, I decided to make my niece and her baby some things, including a receiving blanket and this cute little bear.

When I showed it to Chad, he asked, "Making it for Baby D?" which is what we've been calling our future baby.  I said, "No, but I wish I was."  And that got me to thinking...  It's been really hard to keep my faith that we'll get pregnant as the months go by.  For the last 5 months or so, I've even been thinking in my head that it's just never going to happen.  I want to stay positive, but it feels so forced when I do and it ends up making me feel even sadder when I don't get pregnant that month.

But I wonder if making things for Baby D is a gentler way for me to keep my faith.  I love to craft, after all, and crafting things for our baby might instill a seed of belief in my heart that we will have a baby someday.  I guess I'll try it and see how it goes.


  1. I'm really sad that you want a baby and so far have not. I was one of those lucky ones who never had to wait. Are you looking into why it is not happening? I hope that you will feel the joy a baby brings.

    1. As I said to Gwen, Chad and I decided not to look into the issue until my 30th birthday. I know I had PCOS when I was younger; I often skipped periods for many months, and when I did have them, they weren't right. However, since going low carb, my cycle has become incredibly regular and I know from taking my temperatures that I'm ovulating. Chad's parents had an issue conceiving their two boys, though, and I wonder if it's a male fertility problem. If so, it could be something that got passed down to Chad.

      But for now, I'm trying not to worry about it :) I appreciate your kind words though and your support.

  2. It took me a whole year to get pregnant with my first child. I don't know how long you have been trying. Have you seen a doctor about it yet? Sometimes (like for me), it was simple as charting my 'basal temperature' first thing every morning, to discover when I was ovulating. For others, it might take more, or less. And do not short change how much the stress of waiting for it to happen...can be a cause. Seriously. It's no surprise that so many couples wait and wait and wait and then start the adoption procedure, get the child, and immediately become pregnant. :)

    You are a wonderful woman, and will make an amazing mother. I know it's difficult (I was a young woman wanting to become pregnant working for an OB-GYN at the time...imagine that!)....but give yourself the gift of time. All things, exactly when they were meant to happen. :)

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Gwen :) Chad and I have been trying for 15 months now. For four months, I charted my BBT and other fertility signs religiously, but it put so much stress on me that I decided to stop being so obsessed with it. Now I just watch my temps around the time I ovulate and keep an eye out for the other fertility signs, and generally not worry about it too hard.

      We haven't seen a doctor about the issue yet, and have decided not to look into it until my 30th birthday (about a year from now). The last thing I want is to go through the stress of fertility treatment if I don't have to. And we know it may take some time. It took Chad's mom 3 years to have his brother, and 4 years to have him.

  3. I see you are doing many things to improve your health.

    I wnder if you have looked at this website.

    I am fairly certain they have some things here which will help you regarding women's health in general and I love their attitude to Paleo.

    I do understand your pain at watching a younger relative become so easily and carelessly pregnant. I applaud you for turning it around with generousity toward your niece.