My birthday was on Sunday. I turned 29. I usually am really depressed on my birthday, either because things went badly or because I start thinking about all the things I could have done over the last year but didn't get around to. So this year, I decided I was going to try to have a good, happy birthday. This is the last year I'll be in my 20s, after all, so I really wanted it to be a good one.
The weekend started really well. Chad and I went to our local coffee shop, where the owner gave me my breve latte for free and Chad bought me a beautiful handmade beaded crochet bracelet I've been fawning over for months.
Then we went out to eat with Chad's folks, and then they invited us back to their place to split a bottle of wine. Afterwards, we went home and chilled out until Chad's good friends came over to visit (who are nerdy and smart and share the same sense of humor as Chad, so it's like having three Chads, which is fun). We went out to eat at a hibachi restaurant, which was a new experience for me. It was fun and extremely hilarious at moments. We went out to a new bar after that, and then back home to talk nerdy stuff.
The next day, my birthday, Chad and I went out hiking at an awesome place called Jake's Rocks, which is a set of trails along a hilltop that has a lot of huge boulders and rocky outcrops, with two really nice lookouts that look over the reservoir and dam below. We ate lunch in the woods, and then went home to shower. By birthday was supposed to end in a happy family gathering. My mom had made me a chocolate cheesecake and we were going to gather at her house.
Things didn't really go well, though. There was drama. I'm always trying to hold everything together, and I tried then too. But when, after my mom yelled at me for trying to help her with the dishes, my sister got mad and stormed out, and my mom and dad got into a bitter fight, I couldn't hold it together anymore and I ran out of the house sobbing. It was just too much for me to handle. I just feel like I'm always doing so much for everyone else. I would hope, that for just one day, they would try to do something nice for me too. But, as usual, I was the last person on their minds.
Mom and dad did say they were sorry, and we tried to get back to the party, but I was deeply hurt. Since then, I've been doing nothing but moping around and working on sewing projects, trying to bury my hurt feelings. I know I should try to stop wallowing in self pity, but I don't want to forgive them yet. The moment I forgive them, they're going to turn right around and hurt me again, or take advantage of my soft heart. I honestly don't want anything to do with them. Not any of them. I'm not even sure if I want anything to do with people in general.
For my own sake, though, I needed to write this all down. Trying to bury my hurt only makes it worse. I hope no one minds me rambling. I just needed to write it down. Really, I just needed to tell someone, even just the internet at large.
I've been stress eating the last couple of days. I took home a quarter of a cheesecake, and although Chad did have a small piece yesterday, I managed to eat the rest of it in two days. I don't like feeling out of control like that, but I know I'm only going to gain back control when I face my emotions.
But part of me just wants to keep moping. If it wasn't for Chad's kindness these last few days, my faith in humanity probably would have suffered. But he's been right there for me. He even brought me breakfast in bed yesterday, and did all the dishes the night before. I don't know where I'd be without him.
Maybe I won't force myself to get over it right away. Maybe I need some time to mope first. But I do want to get over it soon, so I can get back to living my full, happy life.