I randomly decided to read some of my old posts on Tumblr. It was kind of funny to see how wide eyed and gung ho about low carb I was. And also kind of sad. It seems like I'm always struggling with my weight, and I'm always fighting with my body about the food I put into it.
And here I am, 45 pounds heavier. Yes, really. I keep telling myself the weight is from the hormones of being pregnant and then being on Depo. Maybe that's true, I don't know. My cycle still isn't normal, seven months later. But I also haven't been eating exactly that well, and I sure as heck haven't been exercising.
I just feel so lost lately. I have a wonderful life, a loving husband, a beautiful home, stimulating hobbies and family that mostly cares about me. So why do I feel like I'm lost at sea, bobbing aimlessly?
At least when I was low carb, I had something to be really passionate about. It gave me purpose-- I was going to eat well and lose weight so I could be featured in one of those cool blogs. It also gave me a tribe to connect to. The low carb community is vast and usually pretty welcoming.
But I feel like I know too much now. The whole resistant starch thing and safe carbs and everything else has made it too hard for me to strictly follow that diet anymore.
I wish I had something to be passionate about. Or maybe I just don't have it in me to be passionate right now.
I've been thinking a bit lately about kids, too. I actually thought I was all over this stuff, so I don't know where this is all coming from. It's sad to think I'll never had kids. And surprising. I feel like I haven't figured out what my life purpose is going to be yet. When you have kids, it's like you have an automatic purpose; you raise them, send them off into the world, and if you die young, people will think, "Oh, well at least he left a legacy". What do I have to show for myself? I'm an introverted high-school dropout housewife who spends too much time watching Netflix and making art that no one will ever see.
And I really hate being as big as I am. I wish I could lose the weight, but it's not budging. To be fair, I'm not trying very hard. But I don't want to try really hard, either, because I usually go too far and end up doing some mental damage. I'm so confused about life. I wish I could just be happy with my body the way it is, but I'm just not. I keep thinking that people are looking at me, thinking about how lazy and gluttonous I must be, and I know they're right. I am lazy and I do overeat.
What's the answer? The part of my brain that likes happy endings is telling me, "Just get busy with your art/crafts/house repair work and you'll feel happier and you won't eat as much". That's great advice, brain, but right now it just doesn't feel good enough.