Downer

I want to stay focused on my health as I get going into this new year.  For me, that means eating well, getting enough sleep, doing the things I love, and getting some exercise.  I'm purposely leaving out any thoughts on losing weight.  Why?  Because it's a death trap for my self esteem.  If my goal is to lose 20 pounds, then I start thinking about how fat and blobby I am, start doing some not so smart things to help me lose those pounds, and can become pretty obsessive in a bad way.  It's a bad place to be, and I don't even want to try going down that road.

Which is why I'm really mad at myself for stepping on the scale the other morning.  I wasn't really thinking about it.  I was feeling good about myself because I've been eating well and feeling better.  Until I saw how much I weighed.  I hadn't weighed myself since before Christmas, so I'd gained a good 5 or 6 pounds, and it was a bit of a shock.  And it made me feel really bad about myself. 

I haven't weighted this much since before I was married. 

Then I start arguing with myself in my head.  I've been through a lot this fall; I was pregnant, I had major stress and hormones, I ate emotionally, I was deeply depressed, I got the depo shot (progesterone birth control, which they tell you will make you gain weight), it was Christmas, I've been sick.

The other side of my head is saying things like, yeah, but you didn't have to eat all that at Christmas and New Year's, you should be exercising more, you're so fat and ugly, it's no wonder you can't fit into your clothes, you have no self control, and even if you did, no diet even works for you so why try, you're going to be fat and blobby forever.

But I'm gonna do good and cut out all food that tastes good and exercise until I collapse and maybe I'll start calorie counting again and tracking every food I put in my mouth and running even though it's winter and I have cold weather exercise-induced asthma.

You'll never do any of that.  You're too fat and lazy. 

..............................

All that from weighing myself absentmindedly.   It's a bad thing for me.  It brings out the worst parts of me; I get obsessed, beat myself up, believe in miracle cures, and forget that what's important is my health and not how I look.

So maybe I'll move my scale out of my room for now.  Now that I know how much I weight, I have strong desires to continue to weigh myself to make sure it's going down.  It's a sickness.  The funny thing is, no one really sees it as such.  If it was gambling or drinking, people would say I fell off the wagon.   But it's about weight loss, so of course it's good that I weighed myself.  I certainly used to think so. 

Now I just think it's a waste of my precious time and energy.