Life and Stuff

I've been enjoying writing about my garden the last couple of posts I wrote.  It's nice to get my ideas and dreams down in words; it makes it all seem more real.  It makes me feel like spring will come again, and when it does, I have plans. 

What I haven't written about is my life, and that's because it's been pretty hard the last four months.  It's still really hard for me to think about it, and even writing this much is giving me a cold sweat.  But in case anyone still reads and is still interested in how my life is going, I thought I should mention some of this.  Plus, maybe it will make it more real for me, and help me to deal with it.

I'm not going into full details.  I don't know if I ever will.  So let's keep it simple. 

In September, I was pregnant for five weeks.  And then I wasn't anymore.  It was the most heart crushing thing I've ever gone through.  Chad got a vasectomy in November (that's how long they made him wait, just in case he changed his mind).  And now, for real, Chad and I will never have children.

I'm still recovering from everything that happened.  I've felt like I've had a fog hanging over me for the last few months, but just lately it kind of feels like it's lifting.  I'm taking things slowly.  You can't push yourself to get over this sort of thing.  And I do know I'm getting better, because I've been getting into my art again.  Here's a couple pieces I've painted recently.

Red Onion

Grapes

 

And I've been having these pangs of.... wanting more with my life.  Wanting more friends, wanting meaning, wanting to get out of the house.  I'm just savoring the wanting right now, the knowledge that there's so much I can do with my life. 

So if I'm mostly writing about plants and such, well, that's just my therapy.  It's soothing and it helps me to express myself at a time where I'm still having trouble being alone with my own thoughts.